Why Does it Have to Hurt so Much and Can Forgiveness Heal our Pain.

Feeling hurt or being wounded is unfortunately a life experience that all of us deal with. The difficulty is that we get stuck in these feelings not recognizing that we have choices which can lead to less suffering. Three elements come into play when we become wounded.

1. We take things too personally - When we take things too personally we assume that we know everything that is going on with the person who has hurt us. We judge their behavior not totally understanding what has happened in their life and the pain they may have experienced which has brought them to the place when the woundedness happened.

2 We blamed others for how we felt. - We forget that we are looking at the situation through our perceptual lenses tinted by our own emotional baggage – much of which we are unaware of. Instead of owning our shortcomings which is something we do not want to see within ourselves we can only see this behavior in others, not taking responsibility for our own behavior.

3 We get caught in the victim role - We have a tremendous investment in holding on to our pain so we can blame others, proving that I am right and you are wrong. When we choose to hold on to our pain what we are actually doing is pointing an accusing finger at the wrongdoer saying I am the innocent victim.

How do we begin to heal our wounds? The first step is an awareness process of what we are doing so that we can make other choices. If you can remember the three ingredients just mentioned you are well on your way to emotional freedom. As you tell your story, look at these three elements. By using the knowledge you are gaining about yourself you can hopefully gain insight into your own emotional reactions and begin to see the situation differently. Hopefully you will be able to handle your pain more skillfully.

Exercise: If you have written a story from the past posts you may want to revisit it and ask yourself in what way have I taken this situation too personally and how can I see it differently? Or pick a situation where you needed to forgive someone and write your story down. Then ask yourself:
• How can I see the perpetrator differently?
• What do I need to do to take responsibility for my own emotional reactions?
• What is it about myself that is hard to acknowledge which I blame others for?

Remember, we cannot change what has happened to us but we can change the way we respond to it and grow stronger as a result of the situation we find ourselves in. Life will always through us curve balls and we do not need to create more pain for ourselves as a result of the situations we find ourselves in.

For more information on learning how to forgive go to “Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting go of Anger and Bitterness” by Dr. Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang.

You don't have to be a Victim Anymore

Have you been hurt in a small or big way? The truth is all of us have been wounded through out our lives. Someone may not have come through in the way we wanted them too or hoped for. Or perhaps someone lied to us or abandoned us. We are wounded because something happened in our life which we didn't want to happen and in many cases we become overwhelmed with what took place. We probably lacked the skills to confront the reality of things not turning out the way we had hoped. Without the skills to handle the situation in the very best way, we become wounded.

When we experience a painful life event we often react with anger or depression. You hold on to that life experience not realizing that the specifics of what happened are not as important as learning how to deal with your reactions to your experience. Whatever has happened to you, adding difficult emotions adds to your pain.

Are you someone who has trouble letting go of the past? Do you get tired of all the time you dwell over something which happened yesterday? Remember, you have a choice as to how much time you will spend on thinking about something that has caused you pain.

To help you let go of your past you may want to write about what has happend. Before you do take a few deep relaxing breathes and when you feel relaxed think of a situation in your life which has created pain. When you have the situation clearly in your mind write your story down. What happened that may have led up to the situation, the situation itself and its aftermath. Think not only about what happened but also how you felt about it. Then ask yourself:

1. How much time are you willing to think about your hurt and/or disappointment?
2. When you think about these hurts how much intensity is there?
3. Why haven't you thought of all the good in your life with the same intensity as your pain?

The answer to these questions are an indication of the depth of your forgiveness work. Just because painful things have happened it doesn't mean that you need to dwell on this. The importance of these questions is not to deny that people have hurt you, they are to help you recognize that we get into habits. The more we think of the negative, the deeper the groove becomes in our mind. After awhile that groove is so deep that it becomes difficult to break out of that groove. We always have choice and if you keep dwelling on something you give those thoughts power. What you focus your attention on is what you become. If you focus on your pain that is what you will experience. If you focus on forgiveness your world will begin to look very different.

You can find more information on how to forgive in "Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting go of Anger and Bitterness" published by McGraw-Hill.

The Forgiveness Person of the Week - Tiger Woods

Today is the day that Tiger Woods is to give a statement and ask for forgiveness for his transgressions. There will probably be a great deal of speculation about Tiger's sincerity. As I was thinking about this my thoughts drifted to the movie "invictus," and to the poem below. I cannot judge what is going on inside of Tiger Woods. All I can say is that change and growth must start from where we are. Forgiveness is an act of courage, helping as realized that we do have strength within ourselves. Forgiveness can be very freeing, and it heals both victim and offender. When we listen to Tiger Woods we should not just be observers, reacting to what is being said. Let him remind us that we too can initiate forgiveness in our own lives. As the poem Invictus says, "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." We all make a difference in this world and our words and actions affect others. We should focus on being the captain of our soul and face our challenges and not judge others. By practicing forgiveness with sincerity in our own lives we are given the ability to soar above our difficulties. Let us hope that this gift is given to Tiger Woods as well.

Invictus
By William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

For more information on how to forgive and to be inspired by others who have been able to forgive please go to "Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting go of Anger and Bitterness." If you want to learn more about forgiveness you can also visit my website www.dreileenborris.com.

I'm Innocent So Why Do I Have To Forgive?

The first step in your forgiveness journey begins with telling your story. For many of us this story can be a painful one. Something happened which frightened us, shocked us, made us very angry or hurt us deeply. In many cases when we retell our stories we portrayed ourselves as the victim.

Yes, many of us were victimized yet that doesn’t mean that we need to remain the victim. If this is what we choose to do, we have just disempowered ourselves creating more pain to deal with. We get stuck in the victim role when we take the hurt personally and we don’t take responsibility for how we feel. Just because something awful has happened it does not mean that we have to relive it day after day.

You might be thinking, how can I not take my spouse’s extramarital affairs or emotional abuse personally. You stop taking things personally when you begin to ask the questions, why them instead of why me. What has happened in their lives that have created pain that has made them who they are today? This helps you realize that anyone in your position at that given time would have been treated in exactly the same way. When you recognize the impersonal nature of what has happened to you, then your pain does not have to cripple you.

Not taking things personally doesn’t mean that you ignore or excuse what has happened or deny your pain. It does mean that what has happened to you is not a unique situation. For example unfortunately in many marriages people have experienced pain because their spouses had extramarital affairs. When you can see the impersonal nature of the situation you can begin a new story of healing and forgiveness.

How do we fall prey to the victim role? In a sense it is part of our human condition. All of us want to present “the face of innocence.” We can be very loving, very charming, sweet and kind when we want to be. We can also find people to sympathize with us when we talk about how badly treated we may have been. We identify with other people who are also victims. We see ourselves as good people living with people who can be very hurtful. Yet underneath our innocence our anger grows because we see a world which is unable to provide nurturance and love. Because I am innocent I will not make the first attack, yet every day a hundred little things make small assaults upon our innocence, provoking irritation eventually escalating to anger in all its forms. When we choose to hold on to our pain what we are actually doing is pointing an accusing finger at the wrongdoer saying I am the innocent victim and as you look on me you are condemned because of my suffering.

The central lesson is that we have a tremendous investment in holding on to our pain so we can blame others, proving that I am right and you are wrong. When I point my finger at you, there is also a finger pointing back at me although we want to keep that buried deep within ourselves below our face of innocence. Never underestimate the power of denial for this is what keeps the dynamics of attack and defend alive and well.
It’s important to become aware of our own face of innocence. What keeps us stuck in the victim role is our inability to manage our emotional pain and to confront reality. When we break our denial of wanting to be right instead of happy we have begun our healing, moving away from victim to one who thrives.

There is a journal exercise which will help you move from a victim story to a hero’s story. Think of a time where you needed to forgive someone. Do you repeat your story over and over again and if so what is keeping you stuck and why? Write down whatever comes up for you without judgment. Allow yourself to feel whatever is happening within you. Give your emotions voice including your guilt by writing it down. When you feel that you have given your emotions full expression, ask yourself why them? What has happened in their life that has brought them where they were at the time the incident happened. Is there a way that you can look at your situation in a healthier way and see things a bit differently now? If you can’t, what are you still holding on to and why can’t you let it go. See what comes up for you and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions need more expression. If guilt keeps reappearing – ask yourself what can you do differently now to heal your guilt. Remember, you can’t change the past but you can make different choices now. Remember that holding on to guilt is a choice too.

You can repeat this exercise as often as you like to help you loosen the grip of your pain and move from victim of your circumstances to a hero. Be gentle with yourself and thank yourself for taking the time to walk the path of forgiveness.

"It's Not Love that makes the World go Round - It's Guilt!"

The most important issue to deal with in the forgiveness process is our feelings of guilt. We can have a hard enough time getting in touch with our anger. Getting in touch with our guilt is even more difficult. None of us like to feel that awful feeling in the pit of our stomach. And for those of us feeling guilty for what we have done, that guilt blocks any possibility for us to feel love which we feel so unworthy of. When we don’t accept love we can’t be healed.

There is another reason why it is so important to uncover our guilt. If we pretend that the guilt buried within ourselves doesn’t exist, the only thing we can do with these feelings is literally place that guilt on someone else. Since guilt includes all the negative feelings we believe to be true about ourselves, now we only see those negatives in the people around us. We become very judgmental because of the lack of love within ourselves, and we attack others through the filter of our guilt. As soon as something happens to us, we can only see the situation through our negative thinking caused by our guilt. Until we recognize what we are doing, we will continue to blame others and have a distorted view of what actually happened. We need to learn how to see through our smoke screens and own our guilt

So how do we work with our guilt?
1. Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings of guilt and recognize that as awful as a situation may be, we did the best we could.
2. Take responsibility for your choices and if you are the one who needs forgiveness realize that now that you can see what you have done – you can choose again.
3. Keep in mind that holding on to guilt and being stuck in a victim role is a choice, too.
4. Accept responsibility for your emotional reactions.
5. Listen within.

To help yourself heal your guilt and move forward in your personal forgiveness process take out your journal and ask yourself “What do I feel guilty of in relation to this situation?” Explore what comes up without judgment. Don’t be afraid to reach back in time for feelings of guilt. This is part of your healing process. Feel your feelings as they surface and be open to what they want to say to you. Is there something now or in the past that needs healing and if so, what actions can I take to heal it? Even if it is clear that you did nothing to the perpetrator, you still may have feelings of guilt. If there is something that you feel ashamed of, explore those feelings to get to the roots of your wound. This action will uncover something you need to forgive yourself for. Journal with whatever comes up. You will probably have to repeat this journal exercise a number of times before you are able to release some of your guilt. Guilt runs deep. It is important that you be gentle with yourself as you do this work. After you have explored your guilt feelings ask yourself, “How have I place my feelings of guilt on others, such as through blaming or judging? What can I do differently now?” Go deep within and listen. (For more on this exercise go to Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness)

GOT ANGER?

“Fry those Bastards! I want Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols hanged no trials necessary.” These were the words of Bud Welch whose 23 year old daughter was killed in the bombing of the Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City. “From the moment I learned it was a bomb I survived on anger and hate.”

Bud’s anger was focused on Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols, and like so many others, Bud wished for their speedy conviction and execution. “I was opposed to the death penalty all my life until my daughter Julie Marie was killed in the Oklahoma City bombing. For many months after the bombing I could have killed Timothy McVeigh myself. Temporary insanity is real, and I have lived it. You can’t think of enough adjectives to describe the anger and hatred I felt. But after time, I was able to examine my conscience, and I realized that if McVeigh is put to death, it won’t help me in the healing process. People talk about executions bringing closure. But how can there be closure when my little girl is never coming back. I finally realized that the death penalty is all about revenge and hate, and revenge and hate are why Julie Marie and 167 others are died.”

When Bud saw McVeigh’s father on television a few months after the bombing, his emotions began to change. He realized that “this man has lost a child too.” Bud eventually arranged to meet with Timothy McVeigh’s father, Bill. “I saw a deep pain in a father’s eye, but also an incredible love for his son.” Bud says, “I was able to tell him that I truly understood the pain that he was going through, and that he – as I – was a victim of what happened in Oklahoma City.”

Not all of us could come to this conclusion so quickly. Yet before Bud could get to this place of recognizing that both fathers were dealing with a painful lose he had to deal with his personal healing. What Bud was able to accomplish you too will be able to do, if you choose.

Step Three: Working with Anger. Anger tells us that our circumstances need to change. If we can’t let go of our anger it is also telling us that we need to change. This is the time when we get into the trenches of our emotions and have the difficult dialogue with ourselves about what happened and how we will choose to deal with it in a healing capacity. It is the time when we roll up our sleeves and become very honest with ourselves. Our tendencies are to want to feel sorry for ourselves and stay stuck in a victim role. By playing “poor me,” we disempower ourselves or continue to play the blame game and not take responsibility or positive action in our lives. Instead of seeing the situation as the good guy versus the bad guy, we would be better served to learn the lessons our emotions are trying to teach us and to understand what is making the person behave that way.

This is a difficult phase because it requires introspection and honest soul searching. Although we may think we are angry at someone, else if we are having difficulty letting go of anger it is an indication that we are in the need of healing. Don’t be afraid to dialogue with the anger inside of you. Ask your anger what it wants to tell you. You can have this conversation be either writing down whatever comes to mind or sharing what is inside of you with someone you trust. Honor what your anger says to you. You may need to journal many times focusing on your anger. You can also draw it. There may be multiple meanings to your anger. Your anger could be protecting you. It could also be telling you what you need to do to heal.

The question you need to ask yourself is “What am I accusing the other person of?” because the truth is that is what we are secretly accusing ourselves of. Our egos are slippery snakes so the content will be different but the form will be the same. For example we may never betray our spouse by being unfaithful but have we ever been unfaithful to ourselves? When we can look at that within ourselves we can begin to recognize the humanity in your spouse. This is not to say that you don’t take appropriate action to protect yourself. By seeing that we are all capable of betrayal it will help as let go of our anger around the situation and have greater peace of mind.

Why is Learning how to forgive so Hard?

We have all been there. Someone hurts us and for a moment we may wish to see them suffer as much as we are suffering now. The injury has just happened and emotions are churning within us, sometimes to the point of us feeling overwhelmed. While we may not want to forgive someone when we are first injured, nor necessarily should we, if we choose to lead a life where forgiveness is an integral part of it, our first step is to understand the meaning of forgiveness.

In past posts I have spoken about what forgiveness means and I would like to review a few of the most important points here.

* Forgiveness is about your inner healing, a release of your pain and not about letting someone else off the hook.
* Forgiveness is about changing the way we think and for most of us, this takes time. It is about changing our perceptions so we can see the situation differently, not through our anger, fear or guilt but through understanding and compassion.
* Forgiveness is the highest form of love that we can extend to others. It is the greatest gift we can give not only to others but especially to ourselves.

For the next few weeks I will take you step by step through a forgiveness process to help you heal the pain in your life. The first step in the forgiveness process is to truly understanding the meaning of forgiveness and to realize that it is for our benefit more than anyone else. Forgiveness is not something we should do to be good people. It is something that we want to do because we know that forgiveness will ultimately give us peace of mind and lead us towards richer fuller lives. When we understand this we can begin to move forward. Then we can look at the incident that has brought us pain. Remember, it is normal to feel angry and natural to want some form of revenge. Do not judge yourself if this is your experience. I often tell my clients if they are feeling overwhelmed with anger and a need for revenge to write out their revenge fantasy. This helps give our emotions voice and helps us to ultimately realize that revenge will not get us what we really want. When we come to this understanding we have just opened the door to the possibility of forgiveness and have started step one of our personal journey towards forgiveness.

To begin your journey ask yourself:
* How clear is my understanding about forgiveness and do I need to talk to someone who can help me better understand what forgiveness is about?
* Is there someone in my life that I am harboring anger and resentment towards and am I having difficulty with these emotions?
* How willing am I in wanting to forgive?

As you answer these questions you will learn something about yourself. In the coming posts I will continue taking you down the path of forgiveness teaching the steps to follow. Further information can be found in “Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting go of Anger and Bitterness.”

The 7 Step Forgiveness Program - Getting Started

We know that as difficult as forgiveness may be, the psychological case for practicing forgiveness is compelling. Although forgiveness can happen in an instant, for many of us it can take weeks, months, years or possibly a lifetime. The work of forgiveness is different for each of us, yet there are certain predictable steps all of us will go through. This program will describe what these steps are and how we go about achieving them. Some steps will be more difficult than others depending on our personal circumstances. Other steps may be more relevant for some than for others. Focus on what is important. Keep in mind, none of us forgive in the same way, and the forgiveness process is not a rigid process.

So how do we get started? The first thing you will want is a journal or notebook. Writing what comes to mind is one way to give all the stuff trapped inside of you voice. A journal is a wonderful way to tap into deeper parts of yourself and access thoughts and feelings that would not normally come up in talking with someone. It allows you to expose what is hidden in a deeper way that aids tremendously in the release of suppressed emotions.

Write in your journal for a few minutes every day while working on this program. Some people like to write first thing in the morning when their mind isn’t preoccupied with the day’s events. Others prefer the evenings when things quiet down. Commit to a time that works best for you, and get into a routine of writing at that same time every day. Below are some guidelines you may find helpful.

1. Find a quiet and comfortable place to do your writing where you will not be disturbed.
2. Use the same place every time you write.
3. Make sure you will not be disturbed by anyone or anything including the telephone.
4. Before you begin, take a few very deep relaxing breaths to help quiet your mind and body.
5. Begin journaling by allowing whatever needs to come up to be written even if it seems totally off the wall.
6. Follow the stream of consciousness. It will take you where you need to go.

The Power of Forgiveness

With the turbulent times that we are all experiencing, how do we comfort ourselves? Outer worlds are falling apart and for many a new journey begins as we look elsewhere, within ourselves, to find the comfort the outer world has taken away. Where this inner searching takes us is different for each one of us but the catalyst for its beginning is usually very similar.

How do we tap into this inner peace and is there something that resides deep within ourselves that is available 24/7 and can always bring us comfort? The mystics talk about this spiritual essence and now scientists are beginning to explore and gain an understanding of this too. There may be many paths to the core of our being and changing our consciousness is a key factor. One of the greatest healing mechanisms to help us along the way is the path of forgiveness.

I am reading a very interesting book "Fingerprints of God: The Search for the Science of Spirituality" by Barbara Bradley Hagerty. Within the book Bradley Hagerty shares her the story of her spiritual evolution. What caught my attention was how Bradley Hagerty was interweaving science with the search for a communion to a higher power. I couldn’t help but to think about all of this in relationship to forgiveness. Are we hard wired to forgive? What do you think? More on this later.

Forgiveness helps you recognize that what you think you see is not there

What makes forgiveness so hard to achieve is that it requires us to recognize that what we think we see in each other is not really there. What happens to all of us is that we all have our "shadows" - things about ourselves we would rather not acknowledge. We do not want to see those parts of ourselves which we have judged to be negative. Instead we use this inner lens to view the rest of the world. To heal ourselves means owning all parts of ourselves so we can make different choices and to recognize that we are all capable of doing the same things given similar circumstances. That is what forgiveness teaches us. As "A Course in Miracles" (p401, section 1) has reminded us:

"Forgiveness recognizes what you thought your brother did to you has not occurred.
It does not pardon sins and make them real. It sees there was no sin.
And in that view are all your sins forgiven.
What is sin, except a false idea about God's Son?
Forgiveness merely sees its falsity,and therefore lets it go.
What then is free to take its place is now the Will of God."

Forgiving the Affair - Again

You love one another, so you really believed. Then the realization hits. Your significant other has cheated on you. You feel shaky inside, sick to your stomach wondering why did this ever happen to you. Anger and possibly anxiety begin to well up inside as you wonder what your next steps should be.

We have choices as to how to handle infidelity. Situations like this do not happen in a vacuum and always involve some form of healing and ultimately if you really want peace of mind, forgiveness can take you down that path.

Learning how to forgive the affair means that you are willing to let go of your anger and hatred. Here are some suggestions to help in healing your pain.

Don’t go through the pain alone. Talk to people who are supportive and will help you in a positive way.

Speak honestly to your significant other about what happened and especially about those difficult feelings and needs that both of you have that might not be getting met.

Recognize the importance of rebuilding the lost trust and love. If this can not happen it is telling you something about the relationship which you need to face and deal with. If you can not trust your partner there is no relationship.

Put yourself in each others shoes. This will give you a better understanding of why something like this happened. Again, you may not like what you see but it will give you a greater understanding of what may have happened and what brought your significant other to act unfaithfully. This understanding sets the stage for forgiveness to take place.

Allow yourself to mourn. Betrayals run deep and they hurt. Until you allow yourself to feel the pain, you will not be able to move past it and rebuild your life. No one wants to feel pain and the paradox is once you walk through that door the pain dissipates.

If you have worked through the difficult emotions and in your heart you truly want to forgiven you will get the help you need in what ever way this help speaks to you.

Remember that forgiveness is about your inner healing, not about letting someone else off the hook. You can forgive and chose not to stay in the relationship. The goal of forgiveness is about your inner peace. If your actions are motivated by compassion and understanding you will gain a greater clarity and wisdom in what is best for you and your relationship.