Forgiveness helps you recognize that what you think you see is not there

What makes forgiveness so hard to achieve is that it requires us to recognize that what we think we see in each other is not really there. What happens to all of us is that we all have our "shadows" - things about ourselves we would rather not acknowledge. We do not want to see those parts of ourselves which we have judged to be negative. Instead we use this inner lens to view the rest of the world. To heal ourselves means owning all parts of ourselves so we can make different choices and to recognize that we are all capable of doing the same things given similar circumstances. That is what forgiveness teaches us. As "A Course in Miracles" (p401, section 1) has reminded us:

"Forgiveness recognizes what you thought your brother did to you has not occurred.
It does not pardon sins and make them real. It sees there was no sin.
And in that view are all your sins forgiven.
What is sin, except a false idea about God's Son?
Forgiveness merely sees its falsity,and therefore lets it go.
What then is free to take its place is now the Will of God."

Forgiving the Affair

You think your marriage is fine and then one day you notice something which you begin to wonder about. You begin to get anxious feelings that perhaps something is going on. At first you may ignore this and then something else triggers those uneasy feelings. You may deny what are actually tell tale signs until one day it hits you in the face. You are overcome with the sick feeling that your partner has been unfaithful. You may go into shock and when that begins to wear off you feel the rage.

Unfortunately many of us have been there. Some of us may want to do the revenge route; others may just want to kick our partner out and never see them again. Yet if we can think more rationally we also realize that we have possibly a history with this person that is worth preserving and that we in some way may have also contributed to the infidelity. This is when being opened to forgiveness can become the necessary healing force to bring people together.

How can we forgive a betrayal that can run so deeply in our hearts? We begin by telling our story to people who will listen and support us. We listen to our anger and ask ourselves, what is our anger really telling us. If we look deeply enough we will realize that our anger is telling us that something as to change, usually within ourselves. We also need to deal with our guilt, that horrible feeling that we sometimes feel within the pit of our stomach. Guilt is all of the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves. We need to remember that holding on to these feelings is a choice too. If we realize that we have done something wrong we acknowledge it and make a commitment to ourselves that now that we have seen something in ourselves that we want to chance we now can begin to make different choices. Then we put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and ask ourselves, what has brought that person to the place they are which brought them to act that way. In asking this question we are able to develop a clearer understanding of what may have happened. We will also need to mourn what was lost, the trust we once had and release that pain in whatever way speaks to us. Hopefully at this point we are able to sit down and talk to the other person. Everyone needs to take responsibility for their actions and their emotional responses. By doing your inner work you will be able to set the stage for what is best for you to do and heal the relationship. This kind of clarity will help you make the right choices, not out of anger but out of understanding so you can move forward in a healthy way. This is what forgiveness enables us to do.

Forgiveness: An Interior Renovation

I’ve been involved with the work of forgiveness for a very long time. In a way it came very unexpectedly when I began studying different spiritual disciplines, in particular, A Course in Miracles. For those who do not know the Course, which describes a sophisticated psychological thought system based on the dynamics of separation, guilt and fear. These dynamics are laid out in the story of Adam and Eve which can be seen as a mythological account of the birth of consciousness, whose cornerstones are separation, guilt, and fear. Adam and Eve enjoying the Garden of Eden were told not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. Then came the serpent tempting Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. Eve took the fruit, ate it, and gave it to Adam. At that moment everything changed. Adam and Eve heard the voice of God walking in the garden and became fearful. When asked who had taken the bite of the forbidden fruit, Adam turned to Eve who then blamed the snake. Then Adam and Eve were punished for their sins. In psychological terms we have gotten so wrapped up in our ego that we have turned away from our spiritual essence. There is a part of ourselves which recognizes this, which is where the guilt comes in. Since guilt is so hard to look at we can only see fault in others denying that we have a shadow side to ourselves. Guilt implies punishment and so we are always defending ourselves by attacking others because of our fear of what may be coming our way.

I share this story because when we understand the dynamics of how we think, only then can we understand the importance of what forgiveness is about. For me forgiveness is about undoing the kind of thinking, motivated by our anger, guilt or fear, which cuts us off from our higher nature. If we can recognize that we see the world through the lens of our personal guilt and fear and if we can heal this within ourselves, then we get closer to our spiritual nature and see what has happened to us in a very different light. The process of forgiveness helps us do this. Forgiveness helps us change the way we think so we can see the light within each one of us instead of only the outward behavior which can block that light. When we are committed to the path of forgiveness and are willing to do the deep inner work that is often required, we are given what we need which can transform our lives in ways we cannot even imagine. I have heard so many inspiring stories of people from all walks of life whose lives were profoundly changed because they were able to forgive. This has put the passion in my heart to help others to learn how to forgive. When we experience the power of forgiveness it is as though something new gets created inside of ourselves, an interior renovation written upon our inner self where there is no need of outer instruction. This spiritual transformation is a beautiful gift that only forgiveness can bring.