What Does Freud Have to do with it - The Forgiveness Process that Is!

The profound healing effect of forgiveness lies in its capacity to change the way we think. To help us understand how this happens I would like to give you a brief lesson in how our thinking developed and how it relates to what we call our unconscious mind.

At the turn of the 19th century a very prominent psychoanalyst by the name of Sigmund Freud laid the groundwork for understanding the psychoanalytical view on the way we think. He was especially brilliant when he introduced the concept of psychological defense mechanisms to keep unacceptable impulses, desires, and thoughts out of conscious awareness. Freud believed that one never strives so hard against something unless one was correspondingly attracted to it, even if that attraction remained out of awareness.

Although during Freud’s time psychology and spirituality were kept quite separate from one another that relationship began to change dramatically during the 1960’s. A “Third Force” known as Humanistic psychology came into existence, (with psychoanalysis and behaviorism being the first and second). From it emerged theorist such as Abraham Maslow, Carl Jung, and Carl Rogers. Their focus shifted from the psychoanalytical view that reduces human behavior and experience to unconscious sexual forces, to a view which respected our creative and spiritual strivings, placing a greater emphasis on the present and future rather than being chained to the past.

As Humanistic psychology further developed, a “fourth force” began to grow known to the field as transpersonal psychology. Transpersonal psychology began to explore the ‘S’elf, which they defined as our source of creativity and spirituality and beyond our personal self. This led humanistic and transpersonal psychology to look increasingly to spirituality as a guiding force for their investigations bringing them closer to the Eastern spiritual traditions, predominantly Hinduism or Buddhism.

With the advent of humanistic and transpersonal psychology we began to understand the struggles we were having in accepting our spirituality. As theories emerged they expanded that of Freud’s, opening up the possibility that within us is a divine spark or “Higher Self.” As these newer theories matured, Freud’s ‘ego’ took on a different meaning. Carl Jung who was a student of Freud defined the ‘ego’ as meaning ‘false self’ or the persona we put out for the world to see. This persona included our shadow, those parts of ourselves which we keep hidden. Jungian psychology then went beyond Freudian theory acknowledging that there is also a part within us that transcends our ‘ego’ and which makes up our higher nature. Unfortunately we have focused so much on creating who we think we should be, getting so wrapped up in our ego that we have come to deny our divinity.

According to Jung, when we denied our spiritual nature we imposed an image on ourselves based on a false belief that it was possible to be separate from our spiritual source. In accepting this belief as fact, we created a conflict within our psyche. The psychological pain of this conflict is so deeply imbedded within us that we experience this state of separation as anxiety. Karen Horney, a prominent psychoanalyst, describes this anxiety in terms of feeling isolated and helpless in a world conceived as potentially hostile.

The psychological term used to describe basic anxiety is neurosis. Carl Jung considered neurosis a warning issued by a higher authority, reminding us that our personality is in need of broadening to ultimately include the central “power,” that part which embraces all of who we are. Sigmund Freud was so afraid of this power that he constructed a thought system virtually invulnerable to the threat of spirit and a defense against our true “Self.”
How did this all happen? Why did we choose to focus on our “false” self as the ego is often called, to the detriment of the divinity within?

And how is this relevant to the understanding of the forgiveness process? Interestingly there is a myth common to Western civilization, the creation story, which explains all of this. Although we think of this story as a description of our physical creation, for some it is also a story of the birth of our consciousness and of the development of the ego thought system as we know it today.

Forgiving the Affair - Again

You love one another, so you really believed. Then the realization hits. Your significant other has cheated on you. You feel shaky inside, sick to your stomach wondering why did this ever happen to you. Anger and possibly anxiety begin to well up inside as you wonder what your next steps should be.

We have choices as to how to handle infidelity. Situations like this do not happen in a vacuum and always involve some form of healing and ultimately if you really want peace of mind, forgiveness can take you down that path.

Learning how to forgive the affair means that you are willing to let go of your anger and hatred. Here are some suggestions to help in healing your pain.

Don’t go through the pain alone. Talk to people who are supportive and will help you in a positive way.

Speak honestly to your significant other about what happened and especially about those difficult feelings and needs that both of you have that might not be getting met.

Recognize the importance of rebuilding the lost trust and love. If this can not happen it is telling you something about the relationship which you need to face and deal with. If you can not trust your partner there is no relationship.

Put yourself in each others shoes. This will give you a better understanding of why something like this happened. Again, you may not like what you see but it will give you a greater understanding of what may have happened and what brought your significant other to act unfaithfully. This understanding sets the stage for forgiveness to take place.

Allow yourself to mourn. Betrayals run deep and they hurt. Until you allow yourself to feel the pain, you will not be able to move past it and rebuild your life. No one wants to feel pain and the paradox is once you walk through that door the pain dissipates.

If you have worked through the difficult emotions and in your heart you truly want to forgiven you will get the help you need in what ever way this help speaks to you.

Remember that forgiveness is about your inner healing, not about letting someone else off the hook. You can forgive and chose not to stay in the relationship. The goal of forgiveness is about your inner peace. If your actions are motivated by compassion and understanding you will gain a greater clarity and wisdom in what is best for you and your relationship.