Rwanda and Forgiveness

In yesterday’s news it was reported that a former Rwandan army colonel who was behind the 1994 slaughter of more than 800,000 people was convicted of genocide and sentenced to life in prison. Theoneste Bagosora was found guilty of crimes against humanity. He used his position as director of Rwanda’s Ministry of Defense to direct Hutu soldiers to kill Tutsis and moderate Hutus in one of the most brutal acts of killing ever witnesses.

Some 63,000 people are suspected of taking part in the genocide. This has left the country dealing with a lot of pain, anger and hatred. If this is ignored and not dealt with in a way that is healing it sets the stage for more bloodshed down the road.

Rwanda was a terrible tragedy. The genocide created a lot of trauma and suffering. Forgiveness is a necessary step in the healing process. In order to do that people will need to heal first, work out their anger in ways which do not perpetuate the cycle of violence. Only when they are able to do that and truly mourn their losses will they be able to start thinking about what brought their countrymen to do what they did in the first place. It is at this point that forgiveness can become a possibility, when people can begin to walk in "other" peoples shoes. When we can begin to see the pain of the other side and what brought them to do these terrible acts that a deeper healing has begun to take place. This is not easy but when we are able to understand the causes of what has happened and take responsibility for our emotional reactions, only then can we move forward in a transformative way. This is what forgiveness is about.

Forgiving the Affair

You think your marriage is fine and then one day you notice something which you begin to wonder about. You begin to get anxious feelings that perhaps something is going on. At first you may ignore this and then something else triggers those uneasy feelings. You may deny what are actually tell tale signs until one day it hits you in the face. You are overcome with the sick feeling that your partner has been unfaithful. You may go into shock and when that begins to wear off you feel the rage.

Unfortunately many of us have been there. Some of us may want to do the revenge route; others may just want to kick our partner out and never see them again. Yet if we can think more rationally we also realize that we have possibly a history with this person that is worth preserving and that we in some way may have also contributed to the infidelity. This is when being opened to forgiveness can become the necessary healing force to bring people together.

How can we forgive a betrayal that can run so deeply in our hearts? We begin by telling our story to people who will listen and support us. We listen to our anger and ask ourselves, what is our anger really telling us. If we look deeply enough we will realize that our anger is telling us that something as to change, usually within ourselves. We also need to deal with our guilt, that horrible feeling that we sometimes feel within the pit of our stomach. Guilt is all of the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves. We need to remember that holding on to these feelings is a choice too. If we realize that we have done something wrong we acknowledge it and make a commitment to ourselves that now that we have seen something in ourselves that we want to chance we now can begin to make different choices. Then we put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and ask ourselves, what has brought that person to the place they are which brought them to act that way. In asking this question we are able to develop a clearer understanding of what may have happened. We will also need to mourn what was lost, the trust we once had and release that pain in whatever way speaks to us. Hopefully at this point we are able to sit down and talk to the other person. Everyone needs to take responsibility for their actions and their emotional responses. By doing your inner work you will be able to set the stage for what is best for you to do and heal the relationship. This kind of clarity will help you make the right choices, not out of anger but out of understanding so you can move forward in a healthy way. This is what forgiveness enables us to do.

A Victim's Forgiveness that is Inspiring

I recently read a story in the Hearld (UK) about a young man in Edinburgh who went out with a friend to a nightclub one evening to go drinking. At three in the morning the two men walked to the George IV Bridge. They were laughing anc carrying on when one of them picked up a traffic cone and threw it over a railing of the bridge falling to the street below. A young Irish woman was on that street visiting with a friend when her life dramatically changed in an instant. The cone knocked her unconscious and paralyzed her. She ended up with a broken leg, a fractured skull and three broken vertebrae. The doctors feared that she would never walk again.

The case did go to court. The man did not go to jail but was ordered to carry out 180 hours of community service. One may ask "why did the judge not jail him?" It was because of the injured woman's plea to spare this man of prison. She also said that"I have forgiven this man and decided in the first few days that I wasn't going to be angry with him and was going to focus my energies on getting better." She showed great courage.

What can we learn from this woman? Research has shown us that when we hold on to anger and hate it can affect our bodies in a very negative way sending hormones in our body which raise our blood pressure and affect our cardiovascular system and other systems negatively as well. When we chose to forgive the opposite is true. In such cases forgiveness is a very pragmatic approach to life and one that this woman chose to take. On a deeper level this woman transcended her bitterness and handed this man a second chance to make a better life. What an incredible act of grace that only someone who has experienced the power of forgiveness can do.

Eileen Borris
author of Finding Forgiveness
dreileenborris.com