Forgiving the Affair

You think your marriage is fine and then one day you notice something which you begin to wonder about. You begin to get anxious feelings that perhaps something is going on. At first you may ignore this and then something else triggers those uneasy feelings. You may deny what are actually tell tale signs until one day it hits you in the face. You are overcome with the sick feeling that your partner has been unfaithful. You may go into shock and when that begins to wear off you feel the rage.

Unfortunately many of us have been there. Some of us may want to do the revenge route; others may just want to kick our partner out and never see them again. Yet if we can think more rationally we also realize that we have possibly a history with this person that is worth preserving and that we in some way may have also contributed to the infidelity. This is when being opened to forgiveness can become the necessary healing force to bring people together.

How can we forgive a betrayal that can run so deeply in our hearts? We begin by telling our story to people who will listen and support us. We listen to our anger and ask ourselves, what is our anger really telling us. If we look deeply enough we will realize that our anger is telling us that something as to change, usually within ourselves. We also need to deal with our guilt, that horrible feeling that we sometimes feel within the pit of our stomach. Guilt is all of the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves. We need to remember that holding on to these feelings is a choice too. If we realize that we have done something wrong we acknowledge it and make a commitment to ourselves that now that we have seen something in ourselves that we want to chance we now can begin to make different choices. Then we put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and ask ourselves, what has brought that person to the place they are which brought them to act that way. In asking this question we are able to develop a clearer understanding of what may have happened. We will also need to mourn what was lost, the trust we once had and release that pain in whatever way speaks to us. Hopefully at this point we are able to sit down and talk to the other person. Everyone needs to take responsibility for their actions and their emotional responses. By doing your inner work you will be able to set the stage for what is best for you to do and heal the relationship. This kind of clarity will help you make the right choices, not out of anger but out of understanding so you can move forward in a healthy way. This is what forgiveness enables us to do.

Forgiveness Tips for the Holidays

Tip - Do Not Take Things Personally!

The holidays are upon us and with all the good cheer we want to be part of, there is also a lot of stress. This can be especially true when families get together.

With all the love and joy families can bring, many of our not so pleasant emotions can get triggered. If we can step back and see what is causing our discomfort it is usually because we have taken things too personally.

If someone annoys us or makes us angry more often than not we are adding to our own distress because of the meaning we have put on the situation. We have made certain assumptions about what is going on about that person which more often than not our not true. We very often mis-perceive the situation because we are looking at things from our own often misguided perceptions. This is part of our human patterning. We tend to view things from our ego stance, our own filters which color what we see. We have forgotten to put ourselves in that other persons shoes to understand what is going on inside of them and why they are behaving in a certain way. We have also not realized that no matter who would be in our shoes at that moment would be treated in the same way we are presently.

So to help us in having less stress this holiday season, remember not to take things personally. Give the gift of compassion and understanding to others. Isn't this what the holiday season is really about - the gift of peace and harmony?

The Golden Rule and Forgiveness

After surviving the election season it is apparent to all of us the healing which needs to take place within our divided country. As I was thinking about this I began thinking about the Golden Rule that we hear so much about. The message is simple, "Do unto others as we would have them do unto us." Sounds simple and so often ignored.

As I was thinking about this I began to ask how is this related to forgiveness? What gets in our way of following the Golden Rule and to also forgive one another. In both cases in order for us to be the best people we possible can be we need to be willing to look within ourselves, understand what causes our pain which feeds into our anger and hatred towards others, and be willing to heal and learn from this.

Why am I linking these two concepts? We all have been hurt by neighbors be them next door or the next country. We ourselves can easily hurt others just by being inattentive or by being caught up in our own anger that we spew this out towards others not realizing that they too may be struggling not only with the everyday anxieties but with great sources of suffering. I think we have the Golden Rule to remind us of this. And we have forgiveness to help us become more compassionate, loving human beings.

This not only applies to how we deal with relationship difficulties, marriages, etc, it also applies to countries dealing with for example genocide such as Rwanda or Cambodia. People killing others such as in genocide are only thinking about their pain, their fears, and their needs. The thought of compassion is no where to be found. A suicide bomber is certainly not thinking about compassion when killing civilians.

As we can see the Golden Rule is simple and hard to follow. On a certain level forgiveness is also simple and yet very hard for us to do. The question is, "What are we willing to do to help us find strength to be more loving parents, spouses, brothers and sisters, friends and family members? And what are we willing to do to bring greater happiness into our lives?

Thomas Fuller on Forgiveness

I read a quote from Thomas Fuller posted by William Cooney which said, "Nothing demands as much, nor rewards so completely as forgiveness. In its purest form, the act of forgivning requires the ego to suspend its need to prevail. A profound selflessness is at the core of the perfect offering of forgiveness.

I think the line "the act of forgiving requires the ego to suspend its need to prevail" is at the heart of forgiveness. I feel that we need to be able to look at ourselves and what is coloring our perceptions such as anger, fear or guilt for us to truly be able to forgive. When we can see the humanness in ourselves and forgive ourselves for it, then true forgiveness for others becomes much stronger.

A father's Forgiveness

I am always thankful to see the story of Azim Khamisa which I find so inspiring. I first heard about the story in 1995 and what touched me most was Azim's comment, "there were victims at both ends of the gun." Azim already was demonstrating the kind of thinking that each one of us should strive for - choosing to see the world not from the eys of our anger, but through the eyes of understanding. Azim demonstrated so much compassion inspite of his pain and grief. He understood that healing was needed for all those concerned and what inspires me most is that he has dedicated his entire life since the tragedy to do just that.

The Legacy of Amy Biehl

The Los Angeles Times ran a beautiful article written by Scott Kraft on the Amy Biehl story. For those of you who do not know the story it is about Amy Biehl who at the time was a graduate student from Stanford University living in Cape Town, South Africa in 1993. Amy had been in South Africa for nearly a year researching constitutions and bills of rights around the world for ANC leaders. It was her last day in South Africa and she was taking a colleague home in Guguletu when an angry mob spotted her, started throwing rocks at her car, and as she was trying to escape was murdered.

What is amazing about this story was what Amy represented and how her parents Linda and Peter Biehl dealt with their daughters death which was not only to forgive the mruderers but to also found the Amy Biehl Foundation in 1994 which to this day runs after-school programs for youth in the area where Amy was killed. Two of the men who murdered Amy now work for the Foundation whose purpose is to help stop violence by giving youth something positive to participate in.

Linda and Peter Biehl were able to transcend their anger and hatred through the process of forgiveness and in so doing were able to transform themselves and those around them whose anger and pain drove them to this unthinkable murder. This speaks to the power of forgiveness which enables us to open our hearts to healing instead of hatred.

Forgiveness: An Interior Renovation

I’ve been involved with the work of forgiveness for a very long time. In a way it came very unexpectedly when I began studying different spiritual disciplines, in particular, A Course in Miracles. For those who do not know the Course, which describes a sophisticated psychological thought system based on the dynamics of separation, guilt and fear. These dynamics are laid out in the story of Adam and Eve which can be seen as a mythological account of the birth of consciousness, whose cornerstones are separation, guilt, and fear. Adam and Eve enjoying the Garden of Eden were told not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. Then came the serpent tempting Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. Eve took the fruit, ate it, and gave it to Adam. At that moment everything changed. Adam and Eve heard the voice of God walking in the garden and became fearful. When asked who had taken the bite of the forbidden fruit, Adam turned to Eve who then blamed the snake. Then Adam and Eve were punished for their sins. In psychological terms we have gotten so wrapped up in our ego that we have turned away from our spiritual essence. There is a part of ourselves which recognizes this, which is where the guilt comes in. Since guilt is so hard to look at we can only see fault in others denying that we have a shadow side to ourselves. Guilt implies punishment and so we are always defending ourselves by attacking others because of our fear of what may be coming our way.

I share this story because when we understand the dynamics of how we think, only then can we understand the importance of what forgiveness is about. For me forgiveness is about undoing the kind of thinking, motivated by our anger, guilt or fear, which cuts us off from our higher nature. If we can recognize that we see the world through the lens of our personal guilt and fear and if we can heal this within ourselves, then we get closer to our spiritual nature and see what has happened to us in a very different light. The process of forgiveness helps us do this. Forgiveness helps us change the way we think so we can see the light within each one of us instead of only the outward behavior which can block that light. When we are committed to the path of forgiveness and are willing to do the deep inner work that is often required, we are given what we need which can transform our lives in ways we cannot even imagine. I have heard so many inspiring stories of people from all walks of life whose lives were profoundly changed because they were able to forgive. This has put the passion in my heart to help others to learn how to forgive. When we experience the power of forgiveness it is as though something new gets created inside of ourselves, an interior renovation written upon our inner self where there is no need of outer instruction. This spiritual transformation is a beautiful gift that only forgiveness can bring.