When Our Pain Returns - Finding Forgiveness

It would be so nice if when we told our painful stories of the past, all our suffering would magically disappear. Unfortunately it doesn’t happen like that. Many of us get stuck in the quagmire of our emotions not letting the ghosts of the past be in the past. How can we work through these emotions? We heal our emotions by feeling them completely. The only way we can get to the other side is by walking through that door. Yes, it hurts yet the paradox is that when we give ourselves permission to feel our emotions completely, we begin to dissipate its energy. One of the reasons why we struggle so much with forgiveness is that we want to avoid feeling pain, but in order to finally let our emotional burdens go, we have to know what’s there.

Forgiveness is a process that usually takes time. If done fully, forgiveness changes us in a very fundamental way. It changes our thinking and creates within us a new way of being in this world. When we become a person who can forgive, then we find the ultimate freedom forgiveness brings. This freedom expands our consciousness giving us the gift of an all encompassing love. Challenging ourselves to grow beyond our “small” selves is difficult and yet it reaps great rewards.

So what are the ways you can begin to let go of your past? Soul searching is a good starting point. Take out your journal and ask yourself the following questions.

• Do you really want to forgive this person? It’s ok if you don’t – and if that is the case just be gentle with yourself. It is healthier to be able to acknowledge that then to say “I forgive” when you are still seething inside. Working with our emotions takes time. There are also times when we feel that we “should” forgive someone for a variety of reasons. This never works. Forgive is a choice, a voluntary act and if it is forced resentment builds just beneath the surface.

• Do you want to step out of being a victim? If not why is it that you are choosing to hold on to your anger and/or guilt? This question is a hard one. All of us are invested in being stuck in the victim role. Do you want to get back at someone by being the innocent victim, showing the world how much you are suffering at the hands of another? Remember, we disempower ourselves when we are stuck in the victim role, blaming others and not taking responsibility for our own lives. Conversely we empower ourselves when we take responsibility for our emotional well being. Often it is our feelings of guilt that keeps us stuck. We may not feel that we deserve feeling better or we feel guilty that someone else may have suffered and not us. When this happens ask yourself, what is under these feelings – why do I want to beat myself up? Why am I not willing to love and nurture myself? Remember – holding on to guilt is a choice too.

• Do you really want to heal? This is another hard question and be gentle with yourself with whatever comes up. The important issue here is to be aware that you are making choices, awareness being the first step in any healing process.

As I have mentioned before – forgiveness takes work. Being honest, loving and gentle with yourself will take you on the road to recovery. Get help if you need too for you do not need to do this work on your own. And remember, you are not alone.

The Golden Rule and Forgiveness

After surviving the election season it is apparent to all of us the healing which needs to take place within our divided country. As I was thinking about this I began thinking about the Golden Rule that we hear so much about. The message is simple, "Do unto others as we would have them do unto us." Sounds simple and so often ignored.

As I was thinking about this I began to ask how is this related to forgiveness? What gets in our way of following the Golden Rule and to also forgive one another. In both cases in order for us to be the best people we possible can be we need to be willing to look within ourselves, understand what causes our pain which feeds into our anger and hatred towards others, and be willing to heal and learn from this.

Why am I linking these two concepts? We all have been hurt by neighbors be them next door or the next country. We ourselves can easily hurt others just by being inattentive or by being caught up in our own anger that we spew this out towards others not realizing that they too may be struggling not only with the everyday anxieties but with great sources of suffering. I think we have the Golden Rule to remind us of this. And we have forgiveness to help us become more compassionate, loving human beings.

This not only applies to how we deal with relationship difficulties, marriages, etc, it also applies to countries dealing with for example genocide such as Rwanda or Cambodia. People killing others such as in genocide are only thinking about their pain, their fears, and their needs. The thought of compassion is no where to be found. A suicide bomber is certainly not thinking about compassion when killing civilians.

As we can see the Golden Rule is simple and hard to follow. On a certain level forgiveness is also simple and yet very hard for us to do. The question is, "What are we willing to do to help us find strength to be more loving parents, spouses, brothers and sisters, friends and family members? And what are we willing to do to bring greater happiness into our lives?