Forgiveness, Relationships and Marriage

Relationships and marriage are not easy. They take work to cultivate. Most often well meaning people come together and may not have the skills or the role models to know how to have a good marriage or relationship. As a psychologist and someone who gives coaching sessions and counsels people with relationship difficulties two golden rules come to mind. Remember to do 5 acts of kindness a day and to practice forgiveness. When we are kind to one another our emotional bonds become stronger and our emotional "reserves" with one another begins to build. None of us are perfect and this is where forgiveness comes in. We are all human and make mistakes. One of the greatest gifts we can give each other is to love one another unconditionally, recognizing that our judgments cloud the way we see each other. Forgiving one another helps us let go of our judgments and live happier, healthier lives.

Rwanda and Forgiveness

In yesterday’s news it was reported that a former Rwandan army colonel who was behind the 1994 slaughter of more than 800,000 people was convicted of genocide and sentenced to life in prison. Theoneste Bagosora was found guilty of crimes against humanity. He used his position as director of Rwanda’s Ministry of Defense to direct Hutu soldiers to kill Tutsis and moderate Hutus in one of the most brutal acts of killing ever witnesses.

Some 63,000 people are suspected of taking part in the genocide. This has left the country dealing with a lot of pain, anger and hatred. If this is ignored and not dealt with in a way that is healing it sets the stage for more bloodshed down the road.

Rwanda was a terrible tragedy. The genocide created a lot of trauma and suffering. Forgiveness is a necessary step in the healing process. In order to do that people will need to heal first, work out their anger in ways which do not perpetuate the cycle of violence. Only when they are able to do that and truly mourn their losses will they be able to start thinking about what brought their countrymen to do what they did in the first place. It is at this point that forgiveness can become a possibility, when people can begin to walk in "other" peoples shoes. When we can begin to see the pain of the other side and what brought them to do these terrible acts that a deeper healing has begun to take place. This is not easy but when we are able to understand the causes of what has happened and take responsibility for our emotional reactions, only then can we move forward in a transformative way. This is what forgiveness is about.