Why is Learning how to forgive so Hard?

We have all been there. Someone hurts us and for a moment we may wish to see them suffer as much as we are suffering now. The injury has just happened and emotions are churning within us, sometimes to the point of us feeling overwhelmed. While we may not want to forgive someone when we are first injured, nor necessarily should we, if we choose to lead a life where forgiveness is an integral part of it, our first step is to understand the meaning of forgiveness.

In past posts I have spoken about what forgiveness means and I would like to review a few of the most important points here.

* Forgiveness is about your inner healing, a release of your pain and not about letting someone else off the hook.
* Forgiveness is about changing the way we think and for most of us, this takes time. It is about changing our perceptions so we can see the situation differently, not through our anger, fear or guilt but through understanding and compassion.
* Forgiveness is the highest form of love that we can extend to others. It is the greatest gift we can give not only to others but especially to ourselves.

For the next few weeks I will take you step by step through a forgiveness process to help you heal the pain in your life. The first step in the forgiveness process is to truly understanding the meaning of forgiveness and to realize that it is for our benefit more than anyone else. Forgiveness is not something we should do to be good people. It is something that we want to do because we know that forgiveness will ultimately give us peace of mind and lead us towards richer fuller lives. When we understand this we can begin to move forward. Then we can look at the incident that has brought us pain. Remember, it is normal to feel angry and natural to want some form of revenge. Do not judge yourself if this is your experience. I often tell my clients if they are feeling overwhelmed with anger and a need for revenge to write out their revenge fantasy. This helps give our emotions voice and helps us to ultimately realize that revenge will not get us what we really want. When we come to this understanding we have just opened the door to the possibility of forgiveness and have started step one of our personal journey towards forgiveness.

To begin your journey ask yourself:
* How clear is my understanding about forgiveness and do I need to talk to someone who can help me better understand what forgiveness is about?
* Is there someone in my life that I am harboring anger and resentment towards and am I having difficulty with these emotions?
* How willing am I in wanting to forgive?

As you answer these questions you will learn something about yourself. In the coming posts I will continue taking you down the path of forgiveness teaching the steps to follow. Further information can be found in “Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting go of Anger and Bitterness.”

The 7 Step Forgiveness Program - Getting Started

We know that as difficult as forgiveness may be, the psychological case for practicing forgiveness is compelling. Although forgiveness can happen in an instant, for many of us it can take weeks, months, years or possibly a lifetime. The work of forgiveness is different for each of us, yet there are certain predictable steps all of us will go through. This program will describe what these steps are and how we go about achieving them. Some steps will be more difficult than others depending on our personal circumstances. Other steps may be more relevant for some than for others. Focus on what is important. Keep in mind, none of us forgive in the same way, and the forgiveness process is not a rigid process.

So how do we get started? The first thing you will want is a journal or notebook. Writing what comes to mind is one way to give all the stuff trapped inside of you voice. A journal is a wonderful way to tap into deeper parts of yourself and access thoughts and feelings that would not normally come up in talking with someone. It allows you to expose what is hidden in a deeper way that aids tremendously in the release of suppressed emotions.

Write in your journal for a few minutes every day while working on this program. Some people like to write first thing in the morning when their mind isn’t preoccupied with the day’s events. Others prefer the evenings when things quiet down. Commit to a time that works best for you, and get into a routine of writing at that same time every day. Below are some guidelines you may find helpful.

1. Find a quiet and comfortable place to do your writing where you will not be disturbed.
2. Use the same place every time you write.
3. Make sure you will not be disturbed by anyone or anything including the telephone.
4. Before you begin, take a few very deep relaxing breaths to help quiet your mind and body.
5. Begin journaling by allowing whatever needs to come up to be written even if it seems totally off the wall.
6. Follow the stream of consciousness. It will take you where you need to go.

Why Do We Forgive?

Forgiveness takes us on a journey from the very pragmatic to the very sublime depending on our willingness to travel within the depth of our being. Our journey begins usually when our reality had been shattered and the pain of these broken pieces sears our heart. Over time the pain we carry becomes overwhelming and we think about what we can do to lessen our emotional burden. Perhaps this is the time we ask “Why Do We Forgive?” We forgive for a number of reasons. The list may include:

1. You want to stop being an angry person
2. You realize that holding on to this emotional burden is literally killing you.
3. The relationship which caused you pain is worth trying to fix.
4. You believe in the moral goodness of forgiveness.

Before we embark in learning how to forgive and begin to explore the mysteries of forgiveness I would like you to think about times in your life that you chose the path of forgiveness. Ask yourself, “Why did I forgive?” If you are struggling with a painful situation in your life now ask yourself what forgiveness can bring to you.

To start you on your journey of forgiveness I offer this simple exercise. Sit in a comfortable place where your back is straight and not rigid and your feet are on the floor. Now gently close your eyes. Take a few deep relaxing breaths and as you do I would like you to think about a situation where you would like to release pain. As you think about your situation open your heart to the universal love that surrounds you. As you breathe in imagine this energy fill your entire being. Focus on this love as it permeates every cell of your being. As you breathe out release the pain that you are holding in your heart. Feel yourself become lighter and freer with each breathe you take. Once you are filled with this universal love with each inbreathe take full responsibility for your emotional reactions to your situation and as you breathe out, breathe out the compassionate radiance of healing and forgiveness. Allow yourself to feel inner peace as you gently open your eyes.

This is a powerful exercise. It may give you the courage to face your pain and to forgive the person who may have hurt you or betrayed you in any way. It may also answer the question “Why do we Forgive?”

Forgiveness and a lot more!

The end of a year is always a time of reflection for me. I often think about the meaning of the holiday season and how we can grow in love and forgiveness. The intention of this blog is to begin a dialogue which will help us learn how to grow in consciousness and forgiveness and to understand what this looks like from a spiritual, psychological and neuropsychological perspective.

For the next few weeks I will be sharing some of my thoughts on forgiveness and how it touches not only our personal lives but how when we can hold forgiveness in our hearts we can also be part of the healing of nations. I would like to invite all of you who read this post to share your stories of forgiveness, including your struggles, where you got stuck and how you were able to overcome your difficulties. For those of us who have been able to forgive, sharing our difficulties and the gifts we received in being able to forgive can help inspire others who may be struggling with their own difficulties. What books are you reading, what stories do you have to share, and what cutting edge research to do you know about? I want to hear from you.

I also welcome stories where some of you lived through group violence, genocide or war and how you were able to forgive the unimaginable. You can share any forgiveness story here or submit them to my website www.dreileenborris.com in its entirety. My hope is that for the next few weeks we can go through a journey together and be part of a growing group of people who not only want to change consciousness within themselves but within the rest of humanity. Are you ready?

I also want to invite you to visit the blogs of some wonderful people, all of whom are members of the Arizona Chapter of the National Speakers Association. We are supporting one another in a month long blogathon and their sites are listed below. I do hope that you will visit them. Everyone is an expert in their field and I know you will learn a lot from them and have some fun as well. I encourage you to leave comments since starting a dialogue is how we enrich one another.

Let me know what you think. I look forward to our journey together and to grow in love and forgiveness.


NSA-AZ BLOGATHON 2010

Jackie Dishner
BIKE WITH JACKIE
http://bikewithjackie.blogspot.com

Susan Ratliff, Exhibit Expert
Bling My Booth
http://www.blingmybooth.com

Stephanie Angelo
Human Resource Essential Blog
http://hressential.com/wordpress/

Greg Peterson
Down On The Urban Farm
http://www.yourguidetogreen.com/TheUrbanFarm/

Bonnie Mattick
YourBusinessDetective
http://www.YourBusinessDetective.com

Andrea Beaulieu
True Potential
http://www.TruePotentialBlog.com
Conspiracy of Love
http://www.ConspiracyOfLove.net

Beth Terry
Cactus Wrangler
http://www.CactusWrangler.com

Debra Exner
Collaboration Pays Off
http://collaborationpaysoff.wordpress.com

Deborah M Dubree
I'll have a new name this week
http://www.deborahdubree.com/blog

Eileen Proctor
The Top Dog's Blog
http://thetopdogsblog.blogspot.com/

Mimi Meredith
Bloomin' Blog
http://blog.thegoodnessgrows.com

Suzanne Holman
http://www.suzanneholman.com/blog

Don't try to Forgive!

I was reading something very interesting about forgiveness the other day. It's message was don't work at forgiving. I smiled wondering what was going to be said next. The true meaning of forgiveness is about changing our thinking which in effect is undoing the way we think now. It is a shift from the way our ego wants to see the world, through what we think is important to us, our wants and needs or seeing the world through our anger or fear. When we truly learn how to forgive we make a decision to see the world differently. The way we achieve this is by undoing what we normally tend to do. How do we do this? You sit quietly and just observe your thoughts and behaviors. Just simple watch without judgment. Over time you will see that the choices and thoughts you have are not what you really want if you truly want to be happy. Ken Wapnick, a psychologist who teaches the profoundness of "A Course In Miracles" and runs the Foundation for A Course in Miracles once commented "Forgiveness doesn't mean that you are filled with sweetness and light. It means you forgive yourself for being filled with anger and hatred." It is by seeing what we do not want to see in ourselves that we begin to heal. When we do that we can begin to make other choices which is how we begin to forgive ourselves.

Martin Luther King on forgiveness

On this very special MLK day I came across this sermon. It is a sermon delivered by Martin Luther King at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church on Christmas of 1957. It deals with the question of how do we learn to love our enemies. For King the answer lies in forgiveness. In celebration of Martin Luther King day I wanted to share his inspiring words.

"First, we must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. It is impossible even to begin the act of loving one's enemies without the prior acceptance of the necessity, over and over again, of forgiving those who inflict evil and injury upon us. It is also necessary to realize that the forgiving act must always be initiated by the person who has been wronged, the victim of some great hurt, the recipient of some tortuous injustice, the absorber of some terrible act of oppression. The wrongdoer may request forgiveness. He may come to himself, and, like the prodigal son, move up some dusty road, his heart palpitating with the desire for forgiveness. But only the injured neighbor, the loving father back home, can really pour out the warm waters of forgiveness.

"Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning. It is the lifting of a burden or the canceling of a debt. The words 'I will forgive you, but I'll never forget what you've done' never explain the real nature of forgiveness. Certainly one can never forget, if that means erasing it totally from his mind. But when we forgive, we forget in the sense that the evil deed is no longer a mental block impeding a new relationship. Likewise, we can never say, 'I will forgive you, but I won't have anything further to do with you.' Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again. Without this, no man can love his enemies

"The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies.

"Second, we must recognize that the evil deed of the enemy-neighbor, the thing that hurts, never quite expresses all that he is. An element of goodness may be found even in our worst enemy. Each of us has something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against ourselves. A persistent civil war rages within all of our lives. Something within us causes us to lament with Ovid, the Latin poet, 'I see and approve the better things, but follow worse,' or to agree with Plato that human personality is like a charioteer having two headstrong horses, each wanting to go in a different direction, or to repeat with the Apostle Paul, 'The good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.'

"This simply means that there is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. When we look beneath the surface, beneath. the impulsive evil deed, we see within our enemy-neighbor a measure of goodness and know that the viciousness and evilness of his acts are not quite representative of all that he is. We see him in a new light. We recognize that his hate grows out of fear, pride, ignorance, prejudice, and misunderstanding, but in spite of this, we know God's image is ineffably etched in being. Then we love our enemies by realizing that they are not totally bad and that they are not beyond the reach of God's redemptive love.

"Third, we must not seek to defeat or humiliate the enemy but to win his friendship and understanding. At times we are able to humiliate our worst enemy. Inevitably, his weak moments come and we are able to thrust in his side the spear of defeat. But this we must not do. Every word and deed must contribute to an understanding with the enemy and release those vast reservoirs of goodwill which have been blocked by impenetrable walls of hate.

"Let us move now from the practical how to the theoretical why: Why should we love our enemies? The first reason is fairly obvious. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multi# plies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.

"So when Jesus says 'Love your enemies,' he is setting forth a profound and ultimately inescapable admonition. Have we not come to such an impasse in the modern world that we must love our enemies-or else? The chain reaction of evil-hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars-must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

"Another reason why we must love our enemies is that hate scars the soul and distorts the personality. Mindful that hate is an evil and dangerous force, we too often think of what it does to the person hated. This is understandable, for hate brings irreparable damage to its victims. We have seen its ugly consequences in the ignominious deaths brought to six million Jews by hate-obsessed madman named Hitler, in the unspeakable violence inflicted upon Negroes by bloodthirsty mobs, in the dark horrors of war, and in the terrible indignities and injustices perpetrated against millions of God's children by unconscionable oppressors.

"But there is another side which we must never overlook. Hate is just as injurious to the person who hates. Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false and the false with the true.

"A third reason why we should love our enemies is that love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend. We never get rid of an enemy by meeting hate with hate; we get rid of an enemy by getting rid of enmity. By its very nature, hate destroys and tears down; by its very nature, love creates and builds up. Love transforms with redemptive power.

"The relevance of what I have said to the crisis in race relations should be readily apparent. There will be no permanent solution to the, race problem until oppressed men develop the capacity to love their enemies. The darkness of racial injustice will be dispelled only by the light of forgiving love. For more than three centuries American Negroes have been battered by the iron rod of oppression, frustrated by day and bewildered by night by unbearable injustice and burdened with the ugly weight of discrimination. Forced to live with these shameful conditions, we are tempted to become bitter and to retaliate with a corresponding hate. But if this happens, the new order we seek will be little more than a duplicate of the old order. We must in strength and humility meet hate with love.

"My friends, we have followed the so-called practical way for too long a time now, and it has led inexorably to deeper confusion and chaos. Time is cluttered with the wreckage of communities which surrendered to hatred and violence. For the salvation of our nation and the salvation of mankind, we must follow another way.
"While abhorring segregation, we shall love the segregationist. This is the only way to create the beloved community.

"To our most bitter opponents we say: 'We shall match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering. We shall meet your physical force with soul force. Do to us what you will, and we shall continue to love you. We cannot in all good conscience obey your unjust laws because noncooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good. Throw us in jail and we shall still love you. Bomb our homes and threaten our children, and we shall still love you. Send your hooded perpetrators of violence into our community at the midnight hour and beat us and leave us half dead, and we shall still love you. But be ye assured that we will wear you down by our capacity to suffer. One day we shall win freedom but not only for ourselves. We shall so appeal to your heart and conscience that we shall win you in the process and our victory will be a double victory.'"