It's All My Mothers Fault and No I will NOT Forgive Her!

I remember a friend of mine telling me how mad she was at her mother. It seemed as though every time they got into a car together they would fight. There was a litany of reasons why my friend would not forgive her mother – the least of which she was stuck in the blame game.

When we blame others we are accusing them of something we believe they have done to us. We are placing fault on others insisting that they are the cause of our misery. When we are hurt because of something that has happened in the past and still feel the pain in the present we look for reasons to explain our pain. The truth is that we can never really know all the reasons why someone has hurt us, and more importantly we do not usually take the time to go within ourselves to understand what part we may have played in our life circumstances. We usually take the easy way out and like a knee jerk reaction we blame others for what may be causing our pain. That is not to say that others do not behave poorly and do things that are hurtful. What I am talking about is that when we continually blame someone else for our painful feelings, instead of making us feel better, blaming actually makes us feel worse.

Blaming causes more pain. When we blame someone else for our suffering we believe that someone else is the cause of our pain and that we need something from that person to feel better. We are dependent on them for our well being. What we actually have done is disempowered ourselves, giving other people control over how we feel. We have chosen not to take responsibility for what we are feeling.

Blaming others becomes a habit, sinking us further into the victim role. Like being in quick sand we feel powerless to change our circumstances. Underneath our need to blame is another issue that we are consistently running away from – our own feelings of guilt. Whenever we are accusing someone (blaming) of something we are secretly blaming ourselves. The content may be different but the form will be the same. If we are blaming someone for nasty horrible things they have said to us, we may not say those same kinds of things to them but if we are honest with ourselves we certainly have said unkind things to others. The important point to remember is that we are not here to beat ourselves up when we learn things about ourselves we wish we hadn’t. Now that we have gained a new understanding about ourselves we can make different choices. When we see the humanness in ourselves it is easier to see the humanness in others. Being able to then forgive ourselves we can also forgive others and stop the blame game. And remember, holding on to guilt is a choice too.

You can find more information on how to stop the blame game and to heal our guilt in “Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness” published by McGraw-Hill.

A Resolution on Forgiveness for the United Nations

I will be away this week and not be able to write although the work of forgiveness will be prominent in my thinking. I will be spending some time at the United Nations this week speaking to people in gaining their support of me writing a resolution on forgiveness and the healing of nations. Last November I presented a paper on forgiveness and the healing of nations to members of the United Nations, UN agencies and some NGO’s. As many of you know I care about helping people personally find forgiveness in their lives. Perhaps my greatest concern and deepest reason why I feel called to do the work of forgiveness is to help heal the hatred which gets passed down from generation to generation. Hatred fuels the flames of war, genocide and other types of mass murder which we have witnessed too much of this past century. Humanity has made great intellectual, scientific and technological advances but we have not experienced the same advance in understanding our spiritual nature and the healing power of love. It will be a daunting effort to stop the destruction of humanity by the use of raw power and technology alone. We can only overcome our adversity by our sincere desire to want to change our thinking about one another and pray that our minds can be changed. As we learn to forgive ourselves and others hopefully we can take action based on the understanding gained from our collective moments of grace. It will take the power of unconditional love and our acts of kindness to transform humanities consciousness from destructive action to peace based on our ability to forgive. Yet at this moment we do not have broad enough knowledge and wisdom to understand the profound spiritual depth that forgiveness can bring. It is through this collective understanding of consciousness that we will come to know that peace gained through understanding and love is the only way to prevent our extinction and secure our future.

Vaclev Havel said in an address to a joint session of the United States Congress in 1990 that "without a global revolution in the sphere of human consciousness, a more humane society will not emerge." Stopping the cycles of anger, hatred, and fear which fuel so much suffering, requires a radical change in our thinking. Without this change we will stay stuck in the quagmire of violence and aggression, passing down to each generation the legacy of violence and guilt which will only perpetuate these cycles. If, on the other hand, we are honestly committed to harmonious relationships, then we will recognize that the true heroes are those individuals who are not afraid to look within, to change the way they think, and heal the pain of their heart. This kind of healing transformation is what forgiveness is about and this is the kind of transformation I would like to create among nations.

For those interested in obtaining a copy of my paper please feel free to contact me.

The Forgiveness Person of the Week - Tiger Woods

Today is the day that Tiger Woods is to give a statement and ask for forgiveness for his transgressions. There will probably be a great deal of speculation about Tiger's sincerity. As I was thinking about this my thoughts drifted to the movie "invictus," and to the poem below. I cannot judge what is going on inside of Tiger Woods. All I can say is that change and growth must start from where we are. Forgiveness is an act of courage, helping as realized that we do have strength within ourselves. Forgiveness can be very freeing, and it heals both victim and offender. When we listen to Tiger Woods we should not just be observers, reacting to what is being said. Let him remind us that we too can initiate forgiveness in our own lives. As the poem Invictus says, "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." We all make a difference in this world and our words and actions affect others. We should focus on being the captain of our soul and face our challenges and not judge others. By practicing forgiveness with sincerity in our own lives we are given the ability to soar above our difficulties. Let us hope that this gift is given to Tiger Woods as well.

Invictus
By William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

For more information on how to forgive and to be inspired by others who have been able to forgive please go to "Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program for Letting go of Anger and Bitterness." If you want to learn more about forgiveness you can also visit my website www.dreileenborris.com.

GOT ANGER?

“Fry those Bastards! I want Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols hanged no trials necessary.” These were the words of Bud Welch whose 23 year old daughter was killed in the bombing of the Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City. “From the moment I learned it was a bomb I survived on anger and hate.”

Bud’s anger was focused on Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols, and like so many others, Bud wished for their speedy conviction and execution. “I was opposed to the death penalty all my life until my daughter Julie Marie was killed in the Oklahoma City bombing. For many months after the bombing I could have killed Timothy McVeigh myself. Temporary insanity is real, and I have lived it. You can’t think of enough adjectives to describe the anger and hatred I felt. But after time, I was able to examine my conscience, and I realized that if McVeigh is put to death, it won’t help me in the healing process. People talk about executions bringing closure. But how can there be closure when my little girl is never coming back. I finally realized that the death penalty is all about revenge and hate, and revenge and hate are why Julie Marie and 167 others are died.”

When Bud saw McVeigh’s father on television a few months after the bombing, his emotions began to change. He realized that “this man has lost a child too.” Bud eventually arranged to meet with Timothy McVeigh’s father, Bill. “I saw a deep pain in a father’s eye, but also an incredible love for his son.” Bud says, “I was able to tell him that I truly understood the pain that he was going through, and that he – as I – was a victim of what happened in Oklahoma City.”

Not all of us could come to this conclusion so quickly. Yet before Bud could get to this place of recognizing that both fathers were dealing with a painful lose he had to deal with his personal healing. What Bud was able to accomplish you too will be able to do, if you choose.

Step Three: Working with Anger. Anger tells us that our circumstances need to change. If we can’t let go of our anger it is also telling us that we need to change. This is the time when we get into the trenches of our emotions and have the difficult dialogue with ourselves about what happened and how we will choose to deal with it in a healing capacity. It is the time when we roll up our sleeves and become very honest with ourselves. Our tendencies are to want to feel sorry for ourselves and stay stuck in a victim role. By playing “poor me,” we disempower ourselves or continue to play the blame game and not take responsibility or positive action in our lives. Instead of seeing the situation as the good guy versus the bad guy, we would be better served to learn the lessons our emotions are trying to teach us and to understand what is making the person behave that way.

This is a difficult phase because it requires introspection and honest soul searching. Although we may think we are angry at someone, else if we are having difficulty letting go of anger it is an indication that we are in the need of healing. Don’t be afraid to dialogue with the anger inside of you. Ask your anger what it wants to tell you. You can have this conversation be either writing down whatever comes to mind or sharing what is inside of you with someone you trust. Honor what your anger says to you. You may need to journal many times focusing on your anger. You can also draw it. There may be multiple meanings to your anger. Your anger could be protecting you. It could also be telling you what you need to do to heal.

The question you need to ask yourself is “What am I accusing the other person of?” because the truth is that is what we are secretly accusing ourselves of. Our egos are slippery snakes so the content will be different but the form will be the same. For example we may never betray our spouse by being unfaithful but have we ever been unfaithful to ourselves? When we can look at that within ourselves we can begin to recognize the humanity in your spouse. This is not to say that you don’t take appropriate action to protect yourself. By seeing that we are all capable of betrayal it will help as let go of our anger around the situation and have greater peace of mind.

Forgiveness helps you recognize that what you think you see is not there

What makes forgiveness so hard to achieve is that it requires us to recognize that what we think we see in each other is not really there. What happens to all of us is that we all have our "shadows" - things about ourselves we would rather not acknowledge. We do not want to see those parts of ourselves which we have judged to be negative. Instead we use this inner lens to view the rest of the world. To heal ourselves means owning all parts of ourselves so we can make different choices and to recognize that we are all capable of doing the same things given similar circumstances. That is what forgiveness teaches us. As "A Course in Miracles" (p401, section 1) has reminded us:

"Forgiveness recognizes what you thought your brother did to you has not occurred.
It does not pardon sins and make them real. It sees there was no sin.
And in that view are all your sins forgiven.
What is sin, except a false idea about God's Son?
Forgiveness merely sees its falsity,and therefore lets it go.
What then is free to take its place is now the Will of God."

Forgiving the Affair - Again

You love one another, so you really believed. Then the realization hits. Your significant other has cheated on you. You feel shaky inside, sick to your stomach wondering why did this ever happen to you. Anger and possibly anxiety begin to well up inside as you wonder what your next steps should be.

We have choices as to how to handle infidelity. Situations like this do not happen in a vacuum and always involve some form of healing and ultimately if you really want peace of mind, forgiveness can take you down that path.

Learning how to forgive the affair means that you are willing to let go of your anger and hatred. Here are some suggestions to help in healing your pain.

Don’t go through the pain alone. Talk to people who are supportive and will help you in a positive way.

Speak honestly to your significant other about what happened and especially about those difficult feelings and needs that both of you have that might not be getting met.

Recognize the importance of rebuilding the lost trust and love. If this can not happen it is telling you something about the relationship which you need to face and deal with. If you can not trust your partner there is no relationship.

Put yourself in each others shoes. This will give you a better understanding of why something like this happened. Again, you may not like what you see but it will give you a greater understanding of what may have happened and what brought your significant other to act unfaithfully. This understanding sets the stage for forgiveness to take place.

Allow yourself to mourn. Betrayals run deep and they hurt. Until you allow yourself to feel the pain, you will not be able to move past it and rebuild your life. No one wants to feel pain and the paradox is once you walk through that door the pain dissipates.

If you have worked through the difficult emotions and in your heart you truly want to forgiven you will get the help you need in what ever way this help speaks to you.

Remember that forgiveness is about your inner healing, not about letting someone else off the hook. You can forgive and chose not to stay in the relationship. The goal of forgiveness is about your inner peace. If your actions are motivated by compassion and understanding you will gain a greater clarity and wisdom in what is best for you and your relationship.